you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
