if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
