I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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