Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
