I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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