i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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