do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i will never coherently bang her
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
