Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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