Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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