I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
