Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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