just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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