You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
