is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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