woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
