remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
