Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
