And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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