Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
