I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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