oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
