So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
