Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize