Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
