Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
