She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
