I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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