I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
