When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
