my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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