I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
