wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
