I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
