Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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