I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
