She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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