the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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