wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize