is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
