i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
