Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
