Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
