I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize