you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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