I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
