please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
