I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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