Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
