checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
