i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
