Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
