I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
