i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
