ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
