i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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