This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
