I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
